Oh Boy....or Girl?

One of the biggest scrutinized decisions of this pregnancy has been my decision to NOT find out what we are having.

I truly believe that this is one of the greatest surprises in life......and I LOVE surprises. I have never been one to snoop at Christmas time or try to find out what my presents were. After seeing birth videos of people waiting to find out and talking to people who did wait, I am even more sure this was the right decision for me.

Don't get me wrong. Sometimes I wished I knew, as I have obsessive compulsive disorder, and love to plan things. However, in some ways it is actually very practical. If we are blessed to get pregnant again, everything will be a neutral scheme, and ready for baby #2!

Most people are usually very happy for me when I tell them that we are waiting for our surprise. But on the flip side, a few people seem to get almost mad at me that I am not finding out. I have no idea why they would care, but whatever the reason, i don' think it is anyone's business but our own......but Darren would totally find out if i would let him:)

So will my prediction be correct.... a girl? Honestly, I think I am second guessing myself now. I guess as the time gets closer, the reality sets in. My surprise baby is just around the corner.

I have guessed girl for several reasons.....

• Mothers Instinct: when I was only about 5-6 weeks pregnant I ordered a Happy Meal from McDonalds. When they asked me if it was a girl or boy (they were referring of course to the happy meal), i immediately thought of my baby and said "GIRL"
• Old Wives Tales: heart rate has been consistently high
• The Way I am carrying: I am wide through the hips and butt and have a watermelon in my stomach
• The Internet test I took: Well of course this is accurate, right? It asked all kinds of ridiculous questions and said that I had 80% chance of a girl.

So now only time will tell.........................but that is what i have been waiting for. To hold my little son or daughter for the first time and to hear Darren say the famous words...."It's a ?"

Boy or Girl, it will be the best surprise I have ever gotten in my life!

Getting Ready for Baby!

They say that when you are expecting, a "NESTING" phase kicks in. You are in a rush to get everything ready in time for the new arrival!

Well this has been definitely true with me! It also doesn't help that we have about a zillion other things going on in our lives right now, either.

On July 1, Darren is going to take over another practice. The pediatrician there is semi-retiring. So this weekend he has been busy moving, etc. I must confess that it was nice being pregnant during the move. Pretty much the only involvement i have had was taking him to the Uhaul rental. I got to go out and shop all day Saturday instead of unpacking boxes...yippeee!

We are also refinishing our basement. A task that has been going on for over a year now! We are incredibly thankful to our brother in law for all the help and time he has spent on it....and My sister in law for letting him come! The end is finally coming in sight, but there is still much to be done. Hopefully it will be livable before our little peanut gets here!

The nursery is all prepped for the furniture...which should be coming sometime in the next few weeks. There will probably be a delay on the rocker (it is the biggest, baddest rocker around!) because my fabric, which was on back order, has now been discontinued. I can't wait for the room to start to come together! I have posted some pics of it painted. I really love the moulding and the painter did an excellent job on the stripes! (though it is supposed to be more sage green, but i think that is just the way the paint color looks because of the yellow background)

Finally My Turn....

I think that one of the hardest aspects of infertility has to be seeing others around you pregnant. It is not that you aren't happy for them (though, sometimes to be brutally honest, you aren't). It is just that each time you hear of an impending pregnancy....your heart hurts. The pit in your stomach grows and you can't help but wonder....will i ever cross that bridge? Why not me?...i would be such a good mommy!

Then there is the new enemy. It is ginormous. All encompassing. It is every infertile woman's worst nightmare......it is the Babies R Us. With these new pregnancies come showers and baby gifts....and registries. I was very fortunate to have had limited invitations to baby showers this past year. By far the best solution is a polite decline and a gift card purchased online.

The one memory, however, that will probably be forever burned in my mind (and i am extremely grateful for now) is a trip that i took to the Babies R Us at the height of our infertility angst.

On a cruise to Mexico last March we met a fabulous couple who now reside in Denmark. I love Sabina and Bo dearly....even if we have only known them for such a short time. Right after the cruise they found out that they were pregnant. They were a great couple, and i was sincerely happy for them. As coincidence would have it, they were going to be in Philadelphia that summer, and we made plans for them to stay with us last August.

While they were here they did a ton of shopping for the baby, as Denmark is much more expensive and has a poorer selection. Sabina was around 5-6 months pregnant at the time. One day we went to Mimi Maternity. I remember looking at the pregnant mannequins with envy. I so very much wanted a belly....and cute maternity clothes to boast.

The next day i took them to the beast......Babies R Us. I really didn't think it would affect me that much. I had been relatively emotionally stable through these trials. I had heard horror stories of infertile women who went there...but that wasn't me. I wasn't going to get upset over a few high chairs and onsies.

Then it hit. I saw some stupid packaging label for a mattress pad. On the cover was the most precious baby i had ever seen. A gift from heaven. A gift that i wanted so badly.

I could feel my eyes getting a little teary. Sabina must have also noticed as she gently touched my shoulder....and in utterly sincere words said....you will have a baby sometime soon, and you will be here shopping for that baby. About 3 days later, the reality of my trip to the kiddie store set in and i did have a mini meltdown. I sobbed for a few hours and knew totally what the other women had warned me. I stayed away from Babies R Us.......................

..............till the the following April. Sabina was right, my turn had come!

This past weekend was my baby shower....June 22nd 2008. I remember greeting everyone and thanking them for coming. I actually found it very emotionally overwhelming. Most of the guests had known of our struggle. What they didn't know was how much it meant to me to be receiving these gifts.....from my registry.....from Babies R Us.

My shower was great. My mother is absolutely the best there is...as she hosted this day for me, and knew how much it meant to me. We had a pea in the pod theme with pea pod favors and tons of pea pod decor.

I actually felt like crying the night after my shower, looking through my gifts. My party was over. I don't think it was that i was necessarily sad....but emotionally overwhelmed. There was so much doubt about getting to this point, but i had succeeded!

Less than 1%

About a year ago Darren and I heard these unfortunate words. If we were to try on our own for a family, the odds that we would actually get pregnant were less than 1%. So basically someone who takes birthcontrol pills religiously or has a vasectomy actually has a better chance of becoming pregnant than we do.

It was not something that came as a total surprise to me. I knew since I was in highschool that something just wasn't right. I went to the OBGYN on Jan 2nd 2007 in hopes of starting a family. After a few simple tests and 2 rounds of Clomid failed, we decided to see a specialist. In June all of the testing procedures began. I still can 't believe how many tests there actually were. Then when the results were in.....things were a little worse than we anticipated. We had to go straight to IVF. That was our only option.

I remember feeling really depressed when i first heard about the IVF. Not only was it going to cost big bucks (about 15K), but I felt like this was the last hope. I didn't want to go straight to the last hope. I wanted some little hopes in between. I wanted a cushion.......at least some artificial inseminations and injections before we went to the big gun.

In September we started the protocol for the IVF. By early October it was time for the Egg Retrieval.....the BIG DAY that all my weeks of shots had been leading up to. I was a stellar responder to the medicines. Actually too good of a responder (I have polycystic ovaries and literally made enough eggs for me and 3 other people).

On egg retrieval day I ended up being a poster child for Murphy's Law. Everything went wrong. The anesthesia didn't work and I woke up in the middle of the procedure only to feel and hear everything that was going on........not only did it not work, but it also made me vomit a few times that day.

Probably the most horrific moments were when the specialist came in. He told me that I had developed some unexplained fluid, and I would not be able to transfer anything. He said that we also didn't get nearly as many eggs and we should have, and that Darren's sperm was so bad that we should probably consider using donor sperm as a back up for future IVFs. So i cried. Right in front of the Doctor..... I LOST IT! He proceded to hand me a card for a therapist (clearly not understanding that I was just having a bad day). Then we talked some more and I told him my fears about money. Was the 15K we paid for this procedure gone, just like that????

The words however, that probably made me the most upset were "DONOR SPERM". I couldn't help but feel this terrible pain for Darren. I wanted a baby, but i wanted my husband's baby. Of course, if we had to, we would go the donor route. I just didn't want to. I wanted our baby to have blue eyes because they were Darren's blue eyes, not someone elses. I didn't want to have to answer questions in the future about DNA etc. I didn't want to see a report in TIME magazine about donor sperm, and wonder who was the biological donor?

If i was feeling all of this in those first few moments, what was he feeling?

"SUPER HERO SPERM"
That is what we like to call them. The little guys pulled through. We created embryos.....and they were good embryos! Each day that we would get a report from the lab, I would fall to my knees and pray to God that our cells would make it! In the end we had 5 blastocysts (term given to the embryos that make it to 5 days). And they were good blastocyts. And they were a part of me and Darren!

"OUR CHRISTMAS MIRACLE"
We defrosted 2 of our blastocysts and transferred them on December 13th, 2007. On December 23rd, 2007 I went for bloodwork nearly a week early.......and we received a true Christmas miracle..................

"FASTFORWARD"
It is June 26th and I am over 30 wks pregnant! Our little peanut is due August 31, 2008.
Throughout this whole process I have heard statistics and odds over and over again. Odds of implantation, miscarraige, downs syndrome, preterm labor, etc etc etc.
I will probably forget them in a few years, some I have forgotten already.

The one is will never forget is............Less than 1%