Can't judge a book by its cover...

Today is the anniversary of our FET (frozen embryo transfer). It was such a special day. I remember calling to say how many embryo's we wanted to defrost and having a stream of tears roll down my face as I told the lab technician to "take good care of my babies". The tech replied that they were sitting there listening to Christmas music and in good hands.

I remember feeling extremely calm and peaceful going into the office that day. I even let a resident watch the procedure. It wasn't like you could really see much of anything going on. You basically viewed a screen and saw a little poof on the screen. I remember thinking that the doctor looked like a coal miner with this bright light on his head. However, he wasn't searching for coal, and he certainly wasn't looking in a mine... lol!

I remember the procedure going extremely smoothly. I had to have a full bladder in order to have the procedure so I drank a lot of tea that morning....because I was getting a really nasty cold. After you have the transfer, you are taken to a hospital bed that you must lay on for an hour. Then you are finally allowed to use the restroom. Everything went surprisingly easily, and the full bladder was not as bad as I had thought it would be. When my time was up, I ran to the bathroom. And it was "that bathroom". There were playboy magazines lying around and a DVD player and TV with headphones.....it was where the guys go to do their business...

As I was reminiscing yesterday, one thought popped onto my head. We had the most screwed up looking sperm. I believe I even called them "retarded" at one time. Fortunately, the appearance on the outside doesn't necessarily have anything to do with the chromosomes on the inside. The chromosomes could be perfectly fine. However, the shorter tails or double heads make it harder for these guys to make the journey and penetrate the egg. With the first round of IVF, we actually had a procedure called ICSI....introcytoplasmic sperm injection. Basically they just inject the egg with a sperm, bypassing any motility or penetration problems.

Then I thought of Aubreigh. She is the most beautiful looking baby. It just goes to show, that you can't judge a book by its cover...........

Christmas Pic overload!!!

The one that got away...

I

am a little sad today. I think it is because the anniversary of our FET is approaching. Don't get me wrong, it will always hold fond memories for me and be a day that I will be eternally grateful for. It was the day Aubreigh decided to implant her cells in me, and make me a mommy.

I often, however, wonder about the one that got away. We transferred 2 embryos that day. Only one took. Why didn't one take? Was there something genetically wrong with it? Did it just not want to make my uterus its home? Was it a boy, or a girl?...or more so...was it my son or daughter....?

I never really felt sad about it before. I secretly did want twins at first. I actually thought we were pg with twins when we first found out...which I think many IVFers do. Probably because you don't want to think one was defective or didn't like you....or because you think "instant family".... I may never have to go through this HELL again. Surprisingly, when I saw the u/s screen and saw that it was only one, I didn't feel sad at all.......just extremely grateful for the single, healthy being inside of me.

It is strange...for the past year, I wondered every now and again about the other embryo...but it never really had a profound effect on me. I supposed i viewed it as "things happen for a reason" and knew that twin pregnancies carry far greater risks. I was happy with one healthy baby. I think I also couldn't comprehend that cluster of cells being a baby. To me, it was just a cluster of cells. It was a weird looking blob of nothing to me. But now....one of those weird looking blobs of nothing is sleeping like an angel in her crib and is the most beautiful bundle of something that I have ever seen.

So why am I sad? Because I see Aubreigh flourishing each day and her personality developing. Crazy as it seems now, I feel blessed to have had to do IVF...because it gave me Aubreigh. I wouldn't trade my little "poop" for anything. For it is Aubreigh who is so nosey and stares at all the people in church. It is Aubreigh who laughs at my "Poopy in the duppy" song. It is Aubreigh whose face gets as red as a stop sign and shakes if her baba isn't ready on time. It is Aubreigh who has her daddy's blue eyes and mommy's dark hair. It is Aubreigh who is my daughter...but what if there was another?

I have been thinking alot lately of #2. We have 3 more embabies left in the freezer. What if they are all like the one that never took. What if Aubreigh never has a brother or sister or I never have another son or daughter...what if only it took?

I guess for now I will just have to go with the "things happen for a reason" and "God has his plan for me" theories. If I had twins, they may have been premature and even sickly. I probably would have missed out on many of the special private moments that Aubreigh and I have shared. The cuddling in the morning, the nursing (because it was so difficult with one for me, I can't imagine having 2!), or just all the special time I get to devote to her...and only her.

but hopefully someday another weird looking blob of nothing will decide to make me a mommy again, and turn into another beautiful something for the Franczyk family...

...and hopefully then it will all make sense...

***explanation of the pics above***

These were the 2 blastocysts that were transferred that day. They are microscopic. One of them is actually Aubreigh. We have no idea which one is her. The first one was rated very good, the second excellent. What this is describing is the development and amount of fragmentation. You can see that the second one has more of an area budding off.--which is a good thing. The embryo has now developed into 2 parts....the placenta and the "baby". These 2 parts make this embryo a "blastocyst". Once it reaches this stage it can be frozen and thawed/transferred for a later date.