I
am a little sad today. I think it is because the anniversary of our FET is approaching. Don't get me wrong, it will always hold fond memories for me and be a day that I will be eternally grateful for. It was the day Aubreigh decided to implant her cells in me, and make me a mommy.
I often, however, wonder about the one that got away. We transferred 2 embryos that day. Only one took. Why didn't one take? Was there something genetically wrong with it? Did it just not want to make my uterus its home? Was it a boy, or a girl?...or more so...was it my son or daughter....?
I never really felt sad about it before. I secretly did want twins at first. I actually thought we were pg with twins when we first found out...which I think many IVFers do. Probably because you don't want to think one was defective or didn't like you....or because you think "instant family".... I may never have to go through this HELL again. Surprisingly, when I saw the u/s screen and saw that it was only one, I didn't feel sad at all.......just extremely grateful for the single, healthy being inside of me.
It is strange...for the past year, I wondered every now and again about the other embryo...but it never really had a profound effect on me. I supposed i viewed it as "things happen for a reason" and knew that twin pregnancies carry far greater risks. I was happy with one healthy baby. I think I also couldn't comprehend that cluster of cells being a baby. To me, it was just a cluster of cells. It was a weird looking blob of nothing to me. But now....one of those weird looking blobs of nothing is sleeping like an angel in her crib and is the most beautiful bundle of something that I have ever seen.
So why am I sad? Because I see Aubreigh flourishing each day and her personality developing. Crazy as it seems now, I feel blessed to have had to do IVF...because it gave me Aubreigh. I wouldn't trade my little "poop" for anything. For it is Aubreigh who is so nosey and stares at all the people in church. It is Aubreigh who laughs at my "Poopy in the duppy" song. It is Aubreigh whose face gets as red as a stop sign and shakes if her baba isn't ready on time. It is Aubreigh who has her daddy's blue eyes and mommy's dark hair. It is Aubreigh who is my daughter...but what if there was another?
I have been thinking alot lately of #2. We have 3 more embabies left in the freezer. What if they are all like the one that never took. What if Aubreigh never has a brother or sister or I never have another son or daughter...what if only it took?
I guess for now I will just have to go with the "things happen for a reason" and "God has his plan for me" theories. If I had twins, they may have been premature and even sickly. I probably would have missed out on many of the special private moments that Aubreigh and I have shared. The cuddling in the morning, the nursing (because it was so difficult with one for me, I can't imagine having 2!), or just all the special time I get to devote to her...and only her.
but hopefully someday another weird looking blob of nothing will decide to make me a mommy again, and turn into another beautiful something for the Franczyk family...
...and hopefully then it will all make sense...
I often, however, wonder about the one that got away. We transferred 2 embryos that day. Only one took. Why didn't one take? Was there something genetically wrong with it? Did it just not want to make my uterus its home? Was it a boy, or a girl?...or more so...was it my son or daughter....?
I never really felt sad about it before. I secretly did want twins at first. I actually thought we were pg with twins when we first found out...which I think many IVFers do. Probably because you don't want to think one was defective or didn't like you....or because you think "instant family".... I may never have to go through this HELL again. Surprisingly, when I saw the u/s screen and saw that it was only one, I didn't feel sad at all.......just extremely grateful for the single, healthy being inside of me.
It is strange...for the past year, I wondered every now and again about the other embryo...but it never really had a profound effect on me. I supposed i viewed it as "things happen for a reason" and knew that twin pregnancies carry far greater risks. I was happy with one healthy baby. I think I also couldn't comprehend that cluster of cells being a baby. To me, it was just a cluster of cells. It was a weird looking blob of nothing to me. But now....one of those weird looking blobs of nothing is sleeping like an angel in her crib and is the most beautiful bundle of something that I have ever seen.
So why am I sad? Because I see Aubreigh flourishing each day and her personality developing. Crazy as it seems now, I feel blessed to have had to do IVF...because it gave me Aubreigh. I wouldn't trade my little "poop" for anything. For it is Aubreigh who is so nosey and stares at all the people in church. It is Aubreigh who laughs at my "Poopy in the duppy" song. It is Aubreigh whose face gets as red as a stop sign and shakes if her baba isn't ready on time. It is Aubreigh who has her daddy's blue eyes and mommy's dark hair. It is Aubreigh who is my daughter...but what if there was another?
I have been thinking alot lately of #2. We have 3 more embabies left in the freezer. What if they are all like the one that never took. What if Aubreigh never has a brother or sister or I never have another son or daughter...what if only it took?
I guess for now I will just have to go with the "things happen for a reason" and "God has his plan for me" theories. If I had twins, they may have been premature and even sickly. I probably would have missed out on many of the special private moments that Aubreigh and I have shared. The cuddling in the morning, the nursing (because it was so difficult with one for me, I can't imagine having 2!), or just all the special time I get to devote to her...and only her.
but hopefully someday another weird looking blob of nothing will decide to make me a mommy again, and turn into another beautiful something for the Franczyk family...
...and hopefully then it will all make sense...
***explanation of the pics above***
These were the 2 blastocysts that were transferred that day. They are microscopic. One of them is actually Aubreigh. We have no idea which one is her. The first one was rated very good, the second excellent. What this is describing is the development and amount of fragmentation. You can see that the second one has more of an area budding off.--which is a good thing. The embryo has now developed into 2 parts....the placenta and the "baby". These 2 parts make this embryo a "blastocyst". Once it reaches this stage it can be frozen and thawed/transferred for a later date.
No comments:
Post a Comment