Today is the anniversary of our FET (frozen embryo transfer). It was such a special day. I remember calling to say how many embryo's we wanted to defrost and having a stream of tears roll down my face as I told the lab technician to "take good care of my babies". The tech replied that they were sitting there listening to Christmas music and in good hands.
I remember feeling extremely calm and peaceful going into the office that day. I even let a resident watch the procedure. It wasn't like you could really see much of anything going on. You basically viewed a screen and saw a little poof on the screen. I remember thinking that the doctor looked like a coal miner with this bright light on his head. However, he wasn't searching for coal, and he certainly wasn't looking in a mine... lol!
I remember the procedure going extremely smoothly. I had to have a full bladder in order to have the procedure so I drank a lot of tea that morning....because I was getting a really nasty cold. After you have the transfer, you are taken to a hospital bed that you must lay on for an hour. Then you are finally allowed to use the restroom. Everything went surprisingly easily, and the full bladder was not as bad as I had thought it would be. When my time was up, I ran to the bathroom. And it was "that bathroom". There were playboy magazines lying around and a DVD player and TV with headphones.....it was where the guys go to do their business...
As I was reminiscing yesterday, one thought popped onto my head. We had the most screwed up looking sperm. I believe I even called them "retarded" at one time. Fortunately, the appearance on the outside doesn't necessarily have anything to do with the chromosomes on the inside. The chromosomes could be perfectly fine. However, the shorter tails or double heads make it harder for these guys to make the journey and penetrate the egg. With the first round of IVF, we actually had a procedure called ICSI....introcytoplasmic sperm injection. Basically they just inject the egg with a sperm, bypassing any motility or penetration problems.
Then I thought of Aubreigh. She is the most beautiful looking baby. It just goes to show, that you can't judge a book by its cover...........
Saturday, December 13, 2008
Monday, December 8, 2008
Saturday, December 6, 2008
The one that got away...
I
am a little sad today. I think it is because the anniversary of our FET is approaching. Don't get me wrong, it will always hold fond memories for me and be a day that I will be eternally grateful for. It was the day Aubreigh decided to implant her cells in me, and make me a mommy.
I often, however, wonder about the one that got away. We transferred 2 embryos that day. Only one took. Why didn't one take? Was there something genetically wrong with it? Did it just not want to make my uterus its home? Was it a boy, or a girl?...or more so...was it my son or daughter....?
I never really felt sad about it before. I secretly did want twins at first. I actually thought we were pg with twins when we first found out...which I think many IVFers do. Probably because you don't want to think one was defective or didn't like you....or because you think "instant family".... I may never have to go through this HELL again. Surprisingly, when I saw the u/s screen and saw that it was only one, I didn't feel sad at all.......just extremely grateful for the single, healthy being inside of me.
It is strange...for the past year, I wondered every now and again about the other embryo...but it never really had a profound effect on me. I supposed i viewed it as "things happen for a reason" and knew that twin pregnancies carry far greater risks. I was happy with one healthy baby. I think I also couldn't comprehend that cluster of cells being a baby. To me, it was just a cluster of cells. It was a weird looking blob of nothing to me. But now....one of those weird looking blobs of nothing is sleeping like an angel in her crib and is the most beautiful bundle of something that I have ever seen.
So why am I sad? Because I see Aubreigh flourishing each day and her personality developing. Crazy as it seems now, I feel blessed to have had to do IVF...because it gave me Aubreigh. I wouldn't trade my little "poop" for anything. For it is Aubreigh who is so nosey and stares at all the people in church. It is Aubreigh who laughs at my "Poopy in the duppy" song. It is Aubreigh whose face gets as red as a stop sign and shakes if her baba isn't ready on time. It is Aubreigh who has her daddy's blue eyes and mommy's dark hair. It is Aubreigh who is my daughter...but what if there was another?
I have been thinking alot lately of #2. We have 3 more embabies left in the freezer. What if they are all like the one that never took. What if Aubreigh never has a brother or sister or I never have another son or daughter...what if only it took?
I guess for now I will just have to go with the "things happen for a reason" and "God has his plan for me" theories. If I had twins, they may have been premature and even sickly. I probably would have missed out on many of the special private moments that Aubreigh and I have shared. The cuddling in the morning, the nursing (because it was so difficult with one for me, I can't imagine having 2!), or just all the special time I get to devote to her...and only her.
but hopefully someday another weird looking blob of nothing will decide to make me a mommy again, and turn into another beautiful something for the Franczyk family...
...and hopefully then it will all make sense...
I often, however, wonder about the one that got away. We transferred 2 embryos that day. Only one took. Why didn't one take? Was there something genetically wrong with it? Did it just not want to make my uterus its home? Was it a boy, or a girl?...or more so...was it my son or daughter....?
I never really felt sad about it before. I secretly did want twins at first. I actually thought we were pg with twins when we first found out...which I think many IVFers do. Probably because you don't want to think one was defective or didn't like you....or because you think "instant family".... I may never have to go through this HELL again. Surprisingly, when I saw the u/s screen and saw that it was only one, I didn't feel sad at all.......just extremely grateful for the single, healthy being inside of me.
It is strange...for the past year, I wondered every now and again about the other embryo...but it never really had a profound effect on me. I supposed i viewed it as "things happen for a reason" and knew that twin pregnancies carry far greater risks. I was happy with one healthy baby. I think I also couldn't comprehend that cluster of cells being a baby. To me, it was just a cluster of cells. It was a weird looking blob of nothing to me. But now....one of those weird looking blobs of nothing is sleeping like an angel in her crib and is the most beautiful bundle of something that I have ever seen.
So why am I sad? Because I see Aubreigh flourishing each day and her personality developing. Crazy as it seems now, I feel blessed to have had to do IVF...because it gave me Aubreigh. I wouldn't trade my little "poop" for anything. For it is Aubreigh who is so nosey and stares at all the people in church. It is Aubreigh who laughs at my "Poopy in the duppy" song. It is Aubreigh whose face gets as red as a stop sign and shakes if her baba isn't ready on time. It is Aubreigh who has her daddy's blue eyes and mommy's dark hair. It is Aubreigh who is my daughter...but what if there was another?
I have been thinking alot lately of #2. We have 3 more embabies left in the freezer. What if they are all like the one that never took. What if Aubreigh never has a brother or sister or I never have another son or daughter...what if only it took?
I guess for now I will just have to go with the "things happen for a reason" and "God has his plan for me" theories. If I had twins, they may have been premature and even sickly. I probably would have missed out on many of the special private moments that Aubreigh and I have shared. The cuddling in the morning, the nursing (because it was so difficult with one for me, I can't imagine having 2!), or just all the special time I get to devote to her...and only her.
but hopefully someday another weird looking blob of nothing will decide to make me a mommy again, and turn into another beautiful something for the Franczyk family...
...and hopefully then it will all make sense...
***explanation of the pics above***
These were the 2 blastocysts that were transferred that day. They are microscopic. One of them is actually Aubreigh. We have no idea which one is her. The first one was rated very good, the second excellent. What this is describing is the development and amount of fragmentation. You can see that the second one has more of an area budding off.--which is a good thing. The embryo has now developed into 2 parts....the placenta and the "baby". These 2 parts make this embryo a "blastocyst". Once it reaches this stage it can be frozen and thawed/transferred for a later date.
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
Our first Illness :(
Well, our sweet baby girl has an ear infection. This no doubt coincides with the sniffles she most likely picked up at daycare. Luckily, her dada picked up on it quickly and she has been doing great. I would have never known she was sick...she was not that cranky.
Besides the ear infection, daycare has been going really well lately. Aubreigh seems to really be enjoying it. The teachers and staff all adore her. We are also fortunate that she is only there 3 days a week, none of which are very long. This week we actually decided not to send her since it would be for only one day.
I am so excited for Turkey Day this year! Having a little one just makes everyday a little more exciting!!!!
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
My Halloween Cutie!
I had a hard time figuring out what my little princess would be for halloween. She is so girly, but I decided that there would be plenty of time for fairies and princessess in the future. Basically i wanted something semi-comfortable and something that would not swallow up this petit cutie.
So I found this tootsie roll and i couldn't resist!
We also went to our Halloween parade that they have yearly in our development. It was really nice. I am so happy to finally have a family! I swear I nearly had tears in my eyes walking there. It is sooooo stupid, but I was just so happy that I had a child. I was a mom, and going to a neighborhood mom event for the first time. I may have to buy a box of keenex for the first playdate i go to....lol.
So I found this tootsie roll and i couldn't resist!
We also went to our Halloween parade that they have yearly in our development. It was really nice. I am so happy to finally have a family! I swear I nearly had tears in my eyes walking there. It is sooooo stupid, but I was just so happy that I had a child. I was a mom, and going to a neighborhood mom event for the first time. I may have to buy a box of keenex for the first playdate i go to....lol.
Wednesday, October 8, 2008
Looking Back.....
Wow! I was just reading some of my previous blogs and it was so neat to relive how I felt throughout this whole time. I will definitely have to do a better job of keeping up with things.
As an update, believe it or not, but I have been much more successful at breastfeeding, nipple phobia and all! I still pump a lot, but she does latch on pretty easily now. It started at about 3 weeks. Also, we did have her tongue clipped, and looking back I am so glad that we did. She is able to stick her tongue out all the time now! It would have been a much more difficult procedure had we waited. It would have involved anesthesia, etc.
SO tomorrow my precious angel will be 2 months. She has grown so much and is very alert now. She still loves the night time...but we are working on that.
This Sunday is her christening. We met with the pastor today to go over some details. Then we are having a small reception at the Dupont Country Club afterwards. Hopefully we will have some more pics to post! Plus we have a sony handi cam now too!
We chose my sister as the Godmother and Darren's friend Mark as the Godfather. Mark is a bachelor who has sworn off women (although we constantly have people ask us to fix them up with him). So it is incredibly cute and heartwarming to see him with Aubreigh. Darren shows him how to hold her, and it is super cute to watch. He even says how he loves her and how proud of her he is. After seeing him with her, Darren and I both agreed that he would make an excellent God Parent.
Well, I will make an effort to update more this weekend. Hopefully we will have some nice pics to add.
As an update, believe it or not, but I have been much more successful at breastfeeding, nipple phobia and all! I still pump a lot, but she does latch on pretty easily now. It started at about 3 weeks. Also, we did have her tongue clipped, and looking back I am so glad that we did. She is able to stick her tongue out all the time now! It would have been a much more difficult procedure had we waited. It would have involved anesthesia, etc.
SO tomorrow my precious angel will be 2 months. She has grown so much and is very alert now. She still loves the night time...but we are working on that.
This Sunday is her christening. We met with the pastor today to go over some details. Then we are having a small reception at the Dupont Country Club afterwards. Hopefully we will have some more pics to post! Plus we have a sony handi cam now too!
We chose my sister as the Godmother and Darren's friend Mark as the Godfather. Mark is a bachelor who has sworn off women (although we constantly have people ask us to fix them up with him). So it is incredibly cute and heartwarming to see him with Aubreigh. Darren shows him how to hold her, and it is super cute to watch. He even says how he loves her and how proud of her he is. After seeing him with her, Darren and I both agreed that he would make an excellent God Parent.
Well, I will make an effort to update more this weekend. Hopefully we will have some nice pics to add.
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
Long time no see....
Well, I have been MIA for about a month now! I have been having a great time being a mommy. I have also been very busy. We have been inundated with visitors....which I didn't mind as much as I thought.
However, I think the sleep deprivation has finally hit at 5 weeks. I used to be able to function really well on 3-6 hours a day, now if I am fortunate to get 8 or 9 I feel like I could use about 12.
Aubreigh is such a cutie! I must admit that even though I am sooooo tired at 3 am, every time I see her big blue eyes look at me, I can't help but smile.
I have some photos and slideshows to finally post. So this blog entry will be more visual than verbal! The photos are of Aubreigh 6 days old! I spent way too much on her photos and announcements ($1,100), but oh well, how do you narrow them down! Darren said that I am never allowed to have professional photos taken again! Oh well....we shall see!
However, I think the sleep deprivation has finally hit at 5 weeks. I used to be able to function really well on 3-6 hours a day, now if I am fortunate to get 8 or 9 I feel like I could use about 12.
Aubreigh is such a cutie! I must admit that even though I am sooooo tired at 3 am, every time I see her big blue eyes look at me, I can't help but smile.
I have some photos and slideshows to finally post. So this blog entry will be more visual than verbal! The photos are of Aubreigh 6 days old! I spent way too much on her photos and announcements ($1,100), but oh well, how do you narrow them down! Darren said that I am never allowed to have professional photos taken again! Oh well....we shall see!
Thursday, August 14, 2008
She's here!!!!
Our sweet baby girl is here! Aubreigh Grace arrived this past Saturday at 11:12 pm, weighing 5lbs 12 oz and 19.5 inches long. I woke up with a backache, then I got a headache and felt really crampy throughout the day. Darren insisted that I call the OB. I argued with him.....and then he threatened not to order me lunch if I didn't call. I figured this was just par for the course.
So I did. They wanted me to come in. When I got there I was contracting irregularly. I didn't feel a thing. I was dilated to 5 cm and fully effaced. They decided it was too dangerous to let me go home and decided to break my water.
Then we started the pitocin. I finally started to feel the contractions. I got the epidural...but it only worked on one side. I got through it, and then it was time to push. I pushed for an hour. It seemed like forever...but the whole episode was rather surreal. After a bit of pushing, I believe they used the vacuum to suck out the baby, and then she was born rather quickly. I must confess that I saw her being picked up by the OB and knew she was a girl!!! I was right....I definitely had a maternal instinct on that one!
It has been great being a mommy. The first night I just stared and held her all night long. I pretty much did the second night too! I couldn't bear to put her in the nursery. I have also been having a hard time just sleeping.....checking on her ever 5 minutes!
Breastfeeding has been miserable. She doesn't like to latch on. I have started pumping. I am going to try my best, but who knows what will happen. She has what is called an attached frenulum of the tongue. Basically, she can't move her tongue alot. This can be part of the problem. Some oral surgeons will just clip it. I am not going to do anything unless it will interfere with speech (which studies show is debatable). I am pumping some now...unfortunately I don't get alot....but I am trying.
The other weird thing that happened is that they sent my placenta to pathology. The OB said that he did it just because she was a little small and the placenta looked a little aged. Everything is fine with Aubreigh, but he said he just wanted to check it out. I guess I will find out those results at the exam.
I also had a grade 2 tear. That wasn't exactly pleasant, but it is starting to feel much better.
The photographer is coming tomorrow. I will also post some pics when I download them. Oh well, I better go pump a little now......
So I did. They wanted me to come in. When I got there I was contracting irregularly. I didn't feel a thing. I was dilated to 5 cm and fully effaced. They decided it was too dangerous to let me go home and decided to break my water.
Then we started the pitocin. I finally started to feel the contractions. I got the epidural...but it only worked on one side. I got through it, and then it was time to push. I pushed for an hour. It seemed like forever...but the whole episode was rather surreal. After a bit of pushing, I believe they used the vacuum to suck out the baby, and then she was born rather quickly. I must confess that I saw her being picked up by the OB and knew she was a girl!!! I was right....I definitely had a maternal instinct on that one!
It has been great being a mommy. The first night I just stared and held her all night long. I pretty much did the second night too! I couldn't bear to put her in the nursery. I have also been having a hard time just sleeping.....checking on her ever 5 minutes!
Breastfeeding has been miserable. She doesn't like to latch on. I have started pumping. I am going to try my best, but who knows what will happen. She has what is called an attached frenulum of the tongue. Basically, she can't move her tongue alot. This can be part of the problem. Some oral surgeons will just clip it. I am not going to do anything unless it will interfere with speech (which studies show is debatable). I am pumping some now...unfortunately I don't get alot....but I am trying.
The other weird thing that happened is that they sent my placenta to pathology. The OB said that he did it just because she was a little small and the placenta looked a little aged. Everything is fine with Aubreigh, but he said he just wanted to check it out. I guess I will find out those results at the exam.
I also had a grade 2 tear. That wasn't exactly pleasant, but it is starting to feel much better.
The photographer is coming tomorrow. I will also post some pics when I download them. Oh well, I better go pump a little now......
Thursday, August 7, 2008
Waiting on Baby.....
We are still waiting. I am still about the same 90% effaced and 3 cm dilated per my last OB visit on Tuesday. So now I am just waiting around, obsessing and looking into every little twinge, pain, etc.
However, this morning I woke up extremely crampy. I have had cramps a few times before and they were just attributed to an irritable uterus. This feels a little worse, but we shall see. I definitely don't want to get my hopes up!
I also got back the proofs to my maternity pics. The photographer put it to music in this nice little slide show and they were so cute. I am so glad that I had them done now. At first I was skeptical...I was not really in the mood to have them done because I had just gotten back from the hospital and figured I looked a mess. Now I am soooo glad I did it because I know they will be something I will treasure forever.
So today I will be doing a baby dance hoping the little peanut will make his/her appearance soon!
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
I am a ticking time bomb!
That is what I refer to myself as now....
I can go at any time. I am waiting for my water to break at any minute. Each little pang makes me nervous.
I would really like to hold off for at least another week. I have been getting some stuff ready for the nursery...on my bed rest and all...and it looks really good. I know that I will truly never be able to be totally ready now...but at least somewhat ready.
I have to laugh. After my appointment on Monday I made a trip to the drug store. I had to buy maxi pads. I could not rest until I got them. I could only imagine the disaster it would have been to send Darren there and explain to him that I needed wings, etc. Yes, I am a maxi pad snob. If it isn't always with wings, it won't do!
I think I am going to start another list for other items that I may need for the baby. And maybe next week I will have my day out at the drugstore again! How exciting!
I can't believe that I may actually have a baby soon!
I can go at any time. I am waiting for my water to break at any minute. Each little pang makes me nervous.
I would really like to hold off for at least another week. I have been getting some stuff ready for the nursery...on my bed rest and all...and it looks really good. I know that I will truly never be able to be totally ready now...but at least somewhat ready.
I have to laugh. After my appointment on Monday I made a trip to the drug store. I had to buy maxi pads. I could not rest until I got them. I could only imagine the disaster it would have been to send Darren there and explain to him that I needed wings, etc. Yes, I am a maxi pad snob. If it isn't always with wings, it won't do!
I think I am going to start another list for other items that I may need for the baby. And maybe next week I will have my day out at the drugstore again! How exciting!
I can't believe that I may actually have a baby soon!
Friday, July 25, 2008
My 3 day vacation in labor and delivery...
Well, I thought i was just going to a normal check up on Tuesday. I mentioned to the doc that I thought I lost part of my mucous plug a week ago, and was concerned that I felt a little pressure.
He decided to check me out. I was 3 cm dilated and 75% effaced. He asked if I was having contractions, but I didn't think I was.
He decided to send me to labor and delivery for monitoring just in case, and said that I should stop working for now. He also joked that I wouldn't be cooking anymore and that Darren should buy me some taco bell on the way home.
Well, we never made it home on Tuesday night, and I never got dinner. The contractions were 2-5 minutes apart and weren't subsiding. I ended up needing magnesium sulfate (which was horrible and made me vomit 6 times). They had to up the dose 3 times. The OB came in at 3:30 am to see if things were progressing (she had thought I went from 75% effaced to 90%). At this point I had a "bloody show". Fortunately, however, I wasn't progressing. The magnesium started working and my contractions subsided.
The next afternoon I was just a drugged up gal. I was still on the magnesium, but they were tapering it. My speech was slurred and my vision was blurred. The neonatologist came by, and explained that the biggest obstacle would be feeding. Breathing could also be an issue, but we were able to get the steroid shots, so it shouldn't be that big of a deal. I also saw the 2 OBs, and they joked with me in my drugged up state. Finally at 6:30 pm, the magnesium was stopped. It was heaven.
Darren got me a blue (as he joked he hoped for a boy) ice pop and it tasted like heaven. Then at about 8 pm they gave me a meatloaf dinner. For hospital food, it tasted fabulous! The nurse was going to help me try to shower as well, but I was too unstable for it. Then I was switched to a regular room on the floor. The nurses were all so nice and brought me graham crackers and peanut butter as a snack.
The next morning I met with another OB and he said that I would not be released until Friday morning. He also told me that if the contractions started again....more Mag! I was having some cramping and had this terrible feeling that the contractions would be back shortly. The nurse put me back on a monitor, and fortunately no contractions. I was just having an irritable uterus. The baby also looked great.
Later that evening, a different OB came by and said that things looked fine and that I could go home. That was great. I couldn't wait to sleep in my own bed.
So now I feel like a ticking time bomb. I am just taking things easy and hoping to last another week or so (though, I feel like this baby is impatient and will be making his/her appearance shortly). I am concerned that I may not feel the labor or contractions in the beginning and have no clue what is going on. I am sure that I will feel them at the end, however!
I am just so excited to be a mommy! I can't believe it can be right around the corner! And as horrible as the whole experience was....I would do it in a heartbeat if it meant that my little peanut would benefit!
He decided to check me out. I was 3 cm dilated and 75% effaced. He asked if I was having contractions, but I didn't think I was.
He decided to send me to labor and delivery for monitoring just in case, and said that I should stop working for now. He also joked that I wouldn't be cooking anymore and that Darren should buy me some taco bell on the way home.
Well, we never made it home on Tuesday night, and I never got dinner. The contractions were 2-5 minutes apart and weren't subsiding. I ended up needing magnesium sulfate (which was horrible and made me vomit 6 times). They had to up the dose 3 times. The OB came in at 3:30 am to see if things were progressing (she had thought I went from 75% effaced to 90%). At this point I had a "bloody show". Fortunately, however, I wasn't progressing. The magnesium started working and my contractions subsided.
The next afternoon I was just a drugged up gal. I was still on the magnesium, but they were tapering it. My speech was slurred and my vision was blurred. The neonatologist came by, and explained that the biggest obstacle would be feeding. Breathing could also be an issue, but we were able to get the steroid shots, so it shouldn't be that big of a deal. I also saw the 2 OBs, and they joked with me in my drugged up state. Finally at 6:30 pm, the magnesium was stopped. It was heaven.
Darren got me a blue (as he joked he hoped for a boy) ice pop and it tasted like heaven. Then at about 8 pm they gave me a meatloaf dinner. For hospital food, it tasted fabulous! The nurse was going to help me try to shower as well, but I was too unstable for it. Then I was switched to a regular room on the floor. The nurses were all so nice and brought me graham crackers and peanut butter as a snack.
The next morning I met with another OB and he said that I would not be released until Friday morning. He also told me that if the contractions started again....more Mag! I was having some cramping and had this terrible feeling that the contractions would be back shortly. The nurse put me back on a monitor, and fortunately no contractions. I was just having an irritable uterus. The baby also looked great.
Later that evening, a different OB came by and said that things looked fine and that I could go home. That was great. I couldn't wait to sleep in my own bed.
So now I feel like a ticking time bomb. I am just taking things easy and hoping to last another week or so (though, I feel like this baby is impatient and will be making his/her appearance shortly). I am concerned that I may not feel the labor or contractions in the beginning and have no clue what is going on. I am sure that I will feel them at the end, however!
I am just so excited to be a mommy! I can't believe it can be right around the corner! And as horrible as the whole experience was....I would do it in a heartbeat if it meant that my little peanut would benefit!
Thursday, July 17, 2008
It all WORKed out...
...at work. I talked to my practice manager and we figured out a plan. Some of it is actually too good to be true.
I nearly had a heart attack when he said I wouldn't qualify for FMLA (which I thought was rather hincky, and I would have looked into it more, had he not offered me a great deal!)
Basically, they need me to just check in a few days a week to do some chart work ( I can bring the baby etc)...and there is no need to change or fire/rehire me...and I can still earn a few bucks while I am out for my 3 months.
They also said that I can work 4 days a week when I return. I was sooooo excited. So my new tentative schedule will be Tues-Thurs. Yay for 3 day weekends! Basically I just wanted an extra day during the week to spend with the baby. Weekends can be so busy and rushed, and I just wanted a day to cook, and play, and snuggle (especially during the winter months!). Darren will also work 4 days so it looks like we will only need daycare Weds-Fri. Plus Darren goes in at 11 and works late on Thurs, and often finishes early on Fri, so those 2 days won't even be full days.
I am so ready to meet my baby!!! (well, just hold off for a few more weeks until I finish the nursery and the peanut is a little bigger!)
I nearly had a heart attack when he said I wouldn't qualify for FMLA (which I thought was rather hincky, and I would have looked into it more, had he not offered me a great deal!)
Basically, they need me to just check in a few days a week to do some chart work ( I can bring the baby etc)...and there is no need to change or fire/rehire me...and I can still earn a few bucks while I am out for my 3 months.
They also said that I can work 4 days a week when I return. I was sooooo excited. So my new tentative schedule will be Tues-Thurs. Yay for 3 day weekends! Basically I just wanted an extra day during the week to spend with the baby. Weekends can be so busy and rushed, and I just wanted a day to cook, and play, and snuggle (especially during the winter months!). Darren will also work 4 days so it looks like we will only need daycare Weds-Fri. Plus Darren goes in at 11 and works late on Thurs, and often finishes early on Fri, so those 2 days won't even be full days.
I am so ready to meet my baby!!! (well, just hold off for a few more weeks until I finish the nursery and the peanut is a little bigger!)
Monday, July 14, 2008
33 week u/s....and it's a...
BABY!!!
I held out. I stayed strong. I have come this far....and I can wait for my surprise!!!! It will be the best surprise ever. Really, I mean there are truly very few real surprises in life.
The baby is measuring exactly on its due date! The tech said that this is rare. What is even more unbelievable is that the baby measured at exactly its due date at the 20 week u/s. The baby is also measuring over 4 lbs.
I do have to call the OB tomorrow though. I think I may have lost part of my mucous plug....I know-- gross. I think everything is OK, since this can happen a few weeks before the baby is born and there was no blood. However, I think I should call just to make sure everything is OK.
My practice manager also said that tomorrow we would talk about my schedule and time off. I have already let them know that I want to take off 3 months once the baby is here. I also suggested only working 4 days a week when I return. I don't know if they will go for this or not....so fingers crossed. I hope that I don't leave work too disappointed tomorrow.
Oh well, I guess I better get to bed and get a good nights sleep. Baby, just stay put until 37 weeks. I want you to be healthy (even though I can't wait to me you!). I also have a lot more things to do. I have to call tomorrow about getting the furniture delivered and still lots to do with the nursery. I have lists everywhere. I thought I was going to have a nervous breakdown yesterday when I realized that we don't have any cotton balls in the house for the baby...lol!
I held out. I stayed strong. I have come this far....and I can wait for my surprise!!!! It will be the best surprise ever. Really, I mean there are truly very few real surprises in life.
The baby is measuring exactly on its due date! The tech said that this is rare. What is even more unbelievable is that the baby measured at exactly its due date at the 20 week u/s. The baby is also measuring over 4 lbs.
I do have to call the OB tomorrow though. I think I may have lost part of my mucous plug....I know-- gross. I think everything is OK, since this can happen a few weeks before the baby is born and there was no blood. However, I think I should call just to make sure everything is OK.
My practice manager also said that tomorrow we would talk about my schedule and time off. I have already let them know that I want to take off 3 months once the baby is here. I also suggested only working 4 days a week when I return. I don't know if they will go for this or not....so fingers crossed. I hope that I don't leave work too disappointed tomorrow.
Oh well, I guess I better get to bed and get a good nights sleep. Baby, just stay put until 37 weeks. I want you to be healthy (even though I can't wait to me you!). I also have a lot more things to do. I have to call tomorrow about getting the furniture delivered and still lots to do with the nursery. I have lists everywhere. I thought I was going to have a nervous breakdown yesterday when I realized that we don't have any cotton balls in the house for the baby...lol!
Monday, July 7, 2008
So not a boob person...
So that is why i am petrified to breast feed. I went to a class today, hoping to gain some insight or pointers...but it was pretty stupid. At least it did give me some insight on which pumps work best for which situations. And they gave some horrid handout with pics of all these diapers and the types of poop to expects for the first week.
But I am going to try. I will persevere. I know that this is best for my baby, so I will give it all I can. And if that isn't good enough, I will just be accepting of it and formula feed.
Though the thought of painful nipples send shivers down my spine. I don't even like it if a towel rubs my nipple and I always wear a padded bra for extra coverage. Call me crazy, but I think sometimes I have a nipple phobia.
This is why I am so not a boob person!
But I am going to try. I will persevere. I know that this is best for my baby, so I will give it all I can. And if that isn't good enough, I will just be accepting of it and formula feed.
Though the thought of painful nipples send shivers down my spine. I don't even like it if a towel rubs my nipple and I always wear a padded bra for extra coverage. Call me crazy, but I think sometimes I have a nipple phobia.
This is why I am so not a boob person!
Sunday, July 6, 2008
32 weeks!
32 week belly shots
Yes, we have reached this milestone! We are so happy. Not that we want our baby to be born now, but at least we know that this level of prematurity would come with a good prognosis.
I have been counting the weeks all along. It is so great to reach these milestone markers. I can't wait until I am watching the Olympics on TV. It will be right around the corner then. I also like to wonder what my life will be like when the next Olympics roll around. During the last set, I had been dating Darren for about 6 months, totally unaware that during this round I would be living in his (now our) house, married, and awaiting our first child!
We went to a wedding yesterday and people were telling me that I was glowing (and that i was going to have a boy because of it!). I think I am glowing because I am just so grateful and appreciative to be pregnant. I love wearing maternity clothes. I love people asking "when are you due?" I love the pat on the belly. I love feeling the kicks and movements (though I think our little peanut was startled yesterday when the bad was playing...he/she was kicking up a storm).
Basically, I truly love being pregnant. I think that coming face to face with the enemy (infertility) created the stark realization that I may never become a parent. Because of this, I am more aware of this miracle inside of me, and pregnancy has an even deeper and special meaning. I have totally cherished every moment of it and will be eternally thankful for being able to experience this.
I hate that I have friends that are still struggling to experience it. I truly believe that their day will come...although that would be the last thing someone going down that road wants to hear. I hate that they have to pay oodles of money and suffer heartbreaks. It just isn't fair. They deserve their turn. It even makes me feel guilty at times that I was so fortunate to be on the "lucky" side of the odds. Honestly, sometimes I think that is all it comes down too for some of us. The grass is definitely greener on this side, and I can't wait for them to cross over.
Thursday, July 3, 2008
8 weeks and counting...
....until I am done with work! I really like my job, and pregnancy has had its perks. The patients are generally more friendly and always willing to strike up a conversation about the baby. However, lately, I have been extremely exhausted. I take mini naps at my desk and count the hours until I can get home and take another nap.
I want to work as long as possible. Some weeks I feel great, others, not so hot. So now the countdown has begun. I am ready to finally have a vacation....although a screaming baby will be a far "CRY" from relaxation, it will be a nice change of pace from work.
I have not had an actual day off that wasn't medically related (IVF, minor surgeries, OHSS, FET) since last March (nearly a year and a half). I can't believe it has been that long!
Though, I am very thankful to have not had a day off. In December, Darren and I had planned a trip to Paris for January. It was my consolation prize if the frozen transfer did not work. I have never been so happy to postpone a trip and work for 6 months straight in my life!
So now I am counting the minutes until work is over (90 more to go), so I can try to rush home and grab a quick nap before our birthing class. I really don't want to go, but it is on C-section, and with my luck, if I didn't attend, I would surely end up having one!
So I guess I will just have to see what "Big Red" has in store today. She is this other pregnant lady taking the class with me. She is just plain rude. I think it is utter ignorance than intention. First, she cut in line in front of me to use the restroom (which is quite territorial in a room full of pregnant ladies), and then she basically told the cute pregnant lady behind me that she was too old (she is 41). The 41 y/o lady may have 10 yrs on her, but I would rather look like her any day!
OK, enough of my ranting before karma bites me in my big new behind:) I must get back to work.....
I want to work as long as possible. Some weeks I feel great, others, not so hot. So now the countdown has begun. I am ready to finally have a vacation....although a screaming baby will be a far "CRY" from relaxation, it will be a nice change of pace from work.
I have not had an actual day off that wasn't medically related (IVF, minor surgeries, OHSS, FET) since last March (nearly a year and a half). I can't believe it has been that long!
Though, I am very thankful to have not had a day off. In December, Darren and I had planned a trip to Paris for January. It was my consolation prize if the frozen transfer did not work. I have never been so happy to postpone a trip and work for 6 months straight in my life!
So now I am counting the minutes until work is over (90 more to go), so I can try to rush home and grab a quick nap before our birthing class. I really don't want to go, but it is on C-section, and with my luck, if I didn't attend, I would surely end up having one!
So I guess I will just have to see what "Big Red" has in store today. She is this other pregnant lady taking the class with me. She is just plain rude. I think it is utter ignorance than intention. First, she cut in line in front of me to use the restroom (which is quite territorial in a room full of pregnant ladies), and then she basically told the cute pregnant lady behind me that she was too old (she is 41). The 41 y/o lady may have 10 yrs on her, but I would rather look like her any day!
OK, enough of my ranting before karma bites me in my big new behind:) I must get back to work.....
Wednesday, July 2, 2008
Cheap People....
Yes, I am just going to throw this one right out there. I suppose that I should probably put a little disclaimer out there as well..."I don't write this post to be politically correct or to not to step on any one's toes...these are just real feelings that I have as a 7.5 mo. pregnant lady." Oh heck, who am I kidding...I would feel the same way regardless if I was pregnant.
So anyway, I think writing this down will help me get it off my chest and sleep better at night. You know those stupid things that pop in your mind and wake you up at 3am and keep you up for over an hour....
My shower was a week and a half ago. And it was awesome. 99% of the people went above and beyond for what they did and the gifts they gave me. But.......(and by no means trying to be an ungrateful princess)...there are 2 that stand out. I mean blatantly stand out.
I remember thinking that I hoped my facial expression didn't show what I was actually thinking..."Like there must be a gift card or another bag with this present, right?"
And it is not that I am talking about an elderly aunt who just has no clue, or a friend of a relative that you hardly knew, or someone struggling financially. It is close friends or family...that you would expect better from. At one instance, I don't even know if the person spent $10 on their gift, which would not irk me, had we not given them at least 3-4x that on each single occasion and there have been several. I must confess, however, that it really didn't surprise me, as I quickly recalled comments from others about her. I think what makes the situation rather hilarious is that she tries to "put the dog on" all the time, driving an expensive SUV or telling tales of fabulous dinners. My hunch is, they are in debt up to their eyeballs, but that is not my fault, and I don't deserve a shoddy gift because of it. And memo to myself..."CHEAP ASS GIFTS FOR THE ? FAMILY FROM NOW ON"
The other instance is less about the actual dollar amount, but more about the lack or interest in our pregnancy and child. I am not saying that I need all pomp and circumstance surrounding our pregnancy, just a little interest. Especially when they are family members and we have shown great interest in their family. I know that a lot of it comes down to jealousy...and I try to just ignore it. It is just hard when you never realized just how jealous they were. It makes you feel bad, but oh well...life goes on!
So I know I am not the only one who has felt like this, and special occasions such as showers and parties tend to show the true colors of many. I think it boils down to the intentions behind the gifts, not the actual dollar amounts. And these stupid intentions can just gnaw at you, and sometimes...it is just best to get them out...even if it is on a blog that no one even knows about!
So anyway, I think writing this down will help me get it off my chest and sleep better at night. You know those stupid things that pop in your mind and wake you up at 3am and keep you up for over an hour....
My shower was a week and a half ago. And it was awesome. 99% of the people went above and beyond for what they did and the gifts they gave me. But.......(and by no means trying to be an ungrateful princess)...there are 2 that stand out. I mean blatantly stand out.
I remember thinking that I hoped my facial expression didn't show what I was actually thinking..."Like there must be a gift card or another bag with this present, right?"
And it is not that I am talking about an elderly aunt who just has no clue, or a friend of a relative that you hardly knew, or someone struggling financially. It is close friends or family...that you would expect better from. At one instance, I don't even know if the person spent $10 on their gift, which would not irk me, had we not given them at least 3-4x that on each single occasion and there have been several. I must confess, however, that it really didn't surprise me, as I quickly recalled comments from others about her. I think what makes the situation rather hilarious is that she tries to "put the dog on" all the time, driving an expensive SUV or telling tales of fabulous dinners. My hunch is, they are in debt up to their eyeballs, but that is not my fault, and I don't deserve a shoddy gift because of it. And memo to myself..."CHEAP ASS GIFTS FOR THE ? FAMILY FROM NOW ON"
The other instance is less about the actual dollar amount, but more about the lack or interest in our pregnancy and child. I am not saying that I need all pomp and circumstance surrounding our pregnancy, just a little interest. Especially when they are family members and we have shown great interest in their family. I know that a lot of it comes down to jealousy...and I try to just ignore it. It is just hard when you never realized just how jealous they were. It makes you feel bad, but oh well...life goes on!
So I know I am not the only one who has felt like this, and special occasions such as showers and parties tend to show the true colors of many. I think it boils down to the intentions behind the gifts, not the actual dollar amounts. And these stupid intentions can just gnaw at you, and sometimes...it is just best to get them out...even if it is on a blog that no one even knows about!
Monday, June 30, 2008
Oh Boy....or Girl?
One of the biggest scrutinized decisions of this pregnancy has been my decision to NOT find out what we are having.
I truly believe that this is one of the greatest surprises in life......and I LOVE surprises. I have never been one to snoop at Christmas time or try to find out what my presents were. After seeing birth videos of people waiting to find out and talking to people who did wait, I am even more sure this was the right decision for me.
Don't get me wrong. Sometimes I wished I knew, as I have obsessive compulsive disorder, and love to plan things. However, in some ways it is actually very practical. If we are blessed to get pregnant again, everything will be a neutral scheme, and ready for baby #2!
Most people are usually very happy for me when I tell them that we are waiting for our surprise. But on the flip side, a few people seem to get almost mad at me that I am not finding out. I have no idea why they would care, but whatever the reason, i don' think it is anyone's business but our own......but Darren would totally find out if i would let him:)
So will my prediction be correct.... a girl? Honestly, I think I am second guessing myself now. I guess as the time gets closer, the reality sets in. My surprise baby is just around the corner.
I have guessed girl for several reasons.....
I truly believe that this is one of the greatest surprises in life......and I LOVE surprises. I have never been one to snoop at Christmas time or try to find out what my presents were. After seeing birth videos of people waiting to find out and talking to people who did wait, I am even more sure this was the right decision for me.
Don't get me wrong. Sometimes I wished I knew, as I have obsessive compulsive disorder, and love to plan things. However, in some ways it is actually very practical. If we are blessed to get pregnant again, everything will be a neutral scheme, and ready for baby #2!
Most people are usually very happy for me when I tell them that we are waiting for our surprise. But on the flip side, a few people seem to get almost mad at me that I am not finding out. I have no idea why they would care, but whatever the reason, i don' think it is anyone's business but our own......but Darren would totally find out if i would let him:)
So will my prediction be correct.... a girl? Honestly, I think I am second guessing myself now. I guess as the time gets closer, the reality sets in. My surprise baby is just around the corner.
I have guessed girl for several reasons.....
- Mothers Instinct: when I was only about 5-6 weeks pregnant I ordered a Happy Meal from McDonalds. When they asked me if it was a girl or boy (they were referring of course to the happy meal), i immediately thought of my baby and said "GIRL"
- Old Wives Tales: heart rate has been consistently high
- The Way I am carrying: I am wide through the hips and butt and have a watermelon in my stomach
- The Internet test I took: Well of course this is accurate, right? It asked all kinds of ridiculous questions and said that I had 80% chance of a girl.
So now only time will tell.........................but that is what i have been waiting for. To hold my little son or daughter for the first time and to hear Darren say the famous words...."It's a ?"
Boy or Girl, it will be the best surprise I have ever gotten in my life!
Sunday, June 29, 2008
Getting Ready for Baby!
They say that when you are expecting, a "NESTING" phase kicks in. You are in a rush to get everything ready in time for the new arrival!
Well this has been definitely true with me! It also doesn't help that we have about a zillion other things going on in our lives right now, either.
On July 1, Darren is going to take over another practice. The pediatrician there is semi-retiring. So this weekend he has been busy moving, etc. I must confess that it was nice being pregnant during the move. Pretty much the only involvement i have had was taking him to the Uhaul rental. I got to go out and shop all day Saturday instead of unpacking boxes...yippeee!
We are also refinishing our basement. A task that has been going on for over a year now! We are incredibly thankful to our brother in law for all the help and time he has spent on it....and My sister in law for letting him come! The end is finally coming in sight, but there is still much to be done. Hopefully it will be livable before our little peanut gets here!
The nursery is all prepped for the furniture...which should be coming sometime in the next few weeks. There will probably be a delay on the rocker (it is the biggest, baddest rocker around!) because my fabric, which was on back order, has now been discontinued. I can't wait for the room to start to come together! I have posted some pics of it painted. I really love the moulding and the painter did an excellent job on the stripes! (though it is supposed to be more sage green, but i think that is just the way the paint color looks because of the yellow background)
Friday, June 27, 2008
Finally My Turn....
I think that one of the hardest aspects of infertility has to be seeing others around you pregnant. It is not that you aren't happy for them (though, sometimes to be brutally honest, you aren't). It is just that each time you hear of an impending pregnancy....your heart hurts. The pit in your stomach grows and you can't help but wonder....will i ever cross that bridge? Why not me?...i would be such a good mommy!
Then there is the new enemy. It is ginormous. All encompassing. It is every infertile woman's worst nightmare......it is the Babies R Us. With these new pregnancies come showers and baby gifts....and registries. I was very fortunate to have had limited invitations to baby showers this past year. By far the best solution is a polite decline and a gift card purchased online.
The one memory, however, that will probably be forever burned in my mind (and i am extremely grateful for now) is a trip that i took to the Babies R Us at the height of our infertility angst.
On a cruise to Mexico last March we met a fabulous couple who now reside in Denmark. I love Sabina and Bo dearly....even if we have only known them for such a short time. Right after the cruise they found out that they were pregnant. They were a great couple, and i was sincerely happy for them. As coincidence would have it, they were going to be in Philadelphia that summer, and we made plans for them to stay with us last August.
While they were here they did a ton of shopping for the baby, as Denmark is much more expensive and has a poorer selection. Sabina was around 5-6 months pregnant at the time. One day we went to Mimi Maternity. I remember looking at the pregnant mannequins with envy. I so very much wanted a belly....and cute maternity clothes to boast.
The next day i took them to the beast......Babies R Us. I really didn't think it would affect me that much. I had been relatively emotionally stable through these trials. I had heard horror stories of infertile women who went there...but that wasn't me. I wasn't going to get upset over a few high chairs and onsies.
Then it hit. I saw some stupid packaging label for a mattress pad. On the cover was the most precious baby i had ever seen. A gift from heaven. A gift that i wanted so badly.
I could feel my eyes getting a little teary. Sabina must have also noticed as she gently touched my shoulder....and in utterly sincere words said....you will have a baby sometime soon, and you will be here shopping for that baby. About 3 days later, the reality of my trip to the kiddie store set in and i did have a mini meltdown. I sobbed for a few hours and knew totally what the other women had warned me. I stayed away from Babies R Us.......................
..............till the the following April. Sabina was right, my turn had come!
This past weekend was my baby shower....June 22nd 2008. I remember greeting everyone and thanking them for coming. I actually found it very emotionally overwhelming. Most of the guests had known of our struggle. What they didn't know was how much it meant to me to be receiving these gifts.....from my registry.....from Babies R Us.
My shower was great. My mother is absolutely the best there is...as she hosted this day for me, and knew how much it meant to me. We had a pea in the pod theme with pea pod favors and tons of pea pod decor.
I actually felt like crying the night after my shower, looking through my gifts. My party was over. I don't think it was that i was necessarily sad....but emotionally overwhelmed. There was so much doubt about getting to this point, but i had succeeded!
Then there is the new enemy. It is ginormous. All encompassing. It is every infertile woman's worst nightmare......it is the Babies R Us. With these new pregnancies come showers and baby gifts....and registries. I was very fortunate to have had limited invitations to baby showers this past year. By far the best solution is a polite decline and a gift card purchased online.
The one memory, however, that will probably be forever burned in my mind (and i am extremely grateful for now) is a trip that i took to the Babies R Us at the height of our infertility angst.
On a cruise to Mexico last March we met a fabulous couple who now reside in Denmark. I love Sabina and Bo dearly....even if we have only known them for such a short time. Right after the cruise they found out that they were pregnant. They were a great couple, and i was sincerely happy for them. As coincidence would have it, they were going to be in Philadelphia that summer, and we made plans for them to stay with us last August.
While they were here they did a ton of shopping for the baby, as Denmark is much more expensive and has a poorer selection. Sabina was around 5-6 months pregnant at the time. One day we went to Mimi Maternity. I remember looking at the pregnant mannequins with envy. I so very much wanted a belly....and cute maternity clothes to boast.
The next day i took them to the beast......Babies R Us. I really didn't think it would affect me that much. I had been relatively emotionally stable through these trials. I had heard horror stories of infertile women who went there...but that wasn't me. I wasn't going to get upset over a few high chairs and onsies.
Then it hit. I saw some stupid packaging label for a mattress pad. On the cover was the most precious baby i had ever seen. A gift from heaven. A gift that i wanted so badly.
I could feel my eyes getting a little teary. Sabina must have also noticed as she gently touched my shoulder....and in utterly sincere words said....you will have a baby sometime soon, and you will be here shopping for that baby. About 3 days later, the reality of my trip to the kiddie store set in and i did have a mini meltdown. I sobbed for a few hours and knew totally what the other women had warned me. I stayed away from Babies R Us.......................
..............till the the following April. Sabina was right, my turn had come!
This past weekend was my baby shower....June 22nd 2008. I remember greeting everyone and thanking them for coming. I actually found it very emotionally overwhelming. Most of the guests had known of our struggle. What they didn't know was how much it meant to me to be receiving these gifts.....from my registry.....from Babies R Us.
My shower was great. My mother is absolutely the best there is...as she hosted this day for me, and knew how much it meant to me. We had a pea in the pod theme with pea pod favors and tons of pea pod decor.
I actually felt like crying the night after my shower, looking through my gifts. My party was over. I don't think it was that i was necessarily sad....but emotionally overwhelmed. There was so much doubt about getting to this point, but i had succeeded!
Thursday, June 26, 2008
Less than 1%
About a year ago Darren and I heard these unfortunate words. If we were to try on our own for a family, the odds that we would actually get pregnant were less than 1%. So basically someone who takes birthcontrol pills religiously or has a vasectomy actually has a better chance of becoming pregnant than we do.
It was not something that came as a total surprise to me. I knew since I was in highschool that something just wasn't right. I went to the OBGYN on Jan 2nd 2007 in hopes of starting a family. After a few simple tests and 2 rounds of Clomid failed, we decided to see a specialist. In June all of the testing procedures began. I still can 't believe how many tests there actually were. Then when the results were in.....things were a little worse than we anticipated. We had to go straight to IVF. That was our only option.
I remember feeling really depressed when i first heard about the IVF. Not only was it going to cost big bucks (about 15K), but I felt like this was the last hope. I didn't want to go straight to the last hope. I wanted some little hopes in between. I wanted a cushion.......at least some artificial inseminations and injections before we went to the big gun.
In September we started the protocol for the IVF. By early October it was time for the Egg Retrieval.....the BIG DAY that all my weeks of shots had been leading up to. I was a stellar responder to the medicines. Actually too good of a responder (I have polycystic ovaries and literally made enough eggs for me and 3 other people).
On egg retrieval day I ended up being a poster child for Murphy's Law. Everything went wrong. The anesthesia didn't work and I woke up in the middle of the procedure only to feel and hear everything that was going on........not only did it not work, but it also made me vomit a few times that day.
Probably the most horrific moments were when the specialist came in. He told me that I had developed some unexplained fluid, and I would not be able to transfer anything. He said that we also didn't get nearly as many eggs and we should have, and that Darren's sperm was so bad that we should probably consider using donor sperm as a back up for future IVFs. So i cried. Right in front of the Doctor..... I LOST IT! He proceded to hand me a card for a therapist (clearly not understanding that I was just having a bad day). Then we talked some more and I told him my fears about money. Was the 15K we paid for this procedure gone, just like that????
The words however, that probably made me the most upset were "DONOR SPERM". I couldn't help but feel this terrible pain for Darren. I wanted a baby, but i wanted my husband's baby. Of course, if we had to, we would go the donor route. I just didn't want to. I wanted our baby to have blue eyes because they were Darren's blue eyes, not someone elses. I didn't want to have to answer questions in the future about DNA etc. I didn't want to see a report in TIME magazine about donor sperm, and wonder who was the biological donor?
If i was feeling all of this in those first few moments, what was he feeling?
"SUPER HERO SPERM"
That is what we like to call them. The little guys pulled through. We created embryos.....and they were good embryos! Each day that we would get a report from the lab, I would fall to my knees and pray to God that our cells would make it! In the end we had 5 blastocysts (term given to the embryos that make it to 5 days). And they were good blastocyts. And they were a part of me and Darren!
"OUR CHRISTMAS MIRACLE"
We defrosted 2 of our blastocysts and transferred them on December 13th, 2007. On December 23rd, 2007 I went for bloodwork nearly a week early.......and we received a true Christmas miracle..................
"FASTFORWARD"
It is June 26th and I am over 30 wks pregnant! Our little peanut is due August 31, 2008.
Throughout this whole process I have heard statistics and odds over and over again. Odds of implantation, miscarraige, downs syndrome, preterm labor, etc etc etc.
I will probably forget them in a few years, some I have forgotten already.
The one is will never forget is............Less than 1%
It was not something that came as a total surprise to me. I knew since I was in highschool that something just wasn't right. I went to the OBGYN on Jan 2nd 2007 in hopes of starting a family. After a few simple tests and 2 rounds of Clomid failed, we decided to see a specialist. In June all of the testing procedures began. I still can 't believe how many tests there actually were. Then when the results were in.....things were a little worse than we anticipated. We had to go straight to IVF. That was our only option.
I remember feeling really depressed when i first heard about the IVF. Not only was it going to cost big bucks (about 15K), but I felt like this was the last hope. I didn't want to go straight to the last hope. I wanted some little hopes in between. I wanted a cushion.......at least some artificial inseminations and injections before we went to the big gun.
In September we started the protocol for the IVF. By early October it was time for the Egg Retrieval.....the BIG DAY that all my weeks of shots had been leading up to. I was a stellar responder to the medicines. Actually too good of a responder (I have polycystic ovaries and literally made enough eggs for me and 3 other people).
On egg retrieval day I ended up being a poster child for Murphy's Law. Everything went wrong. The anesthesia didn't work and I woke up in the middle of the procedure only to feel and hear everything that was going on........not only did it not work, but it also made me vomit a few times that day.
Probably the most horrific moments were when the specialist came in. He told me that I had developed some unexplained fluid, and I would not be able to transfer anything. He said that we also didn't get nearly as many eggs and we should have, and that Darren's sperm was so bad that we should probably consider using donor sperm as a back up for future IVFs. So i cried. Right in front of the Doctor..... I LOST IT! He proceded to hand me a card for a therapist (clearly not understanding that I was just having a bad day). Then we talked some more and I told him my fears about money. Was the 15K we paid for this procedure gone, just like that????
The words however, that probably made me the most upset were "DONOR SPERM". I couldn't help but feel this terrible pain for Darren. I wanted a baby, but i wanted my husband's baby. Of course, if we had to, we would go the donor route. I just didn't want to. I wanted our baby to have blue eyes because they were Darren's blue eyes, not someone elses. I didn't want to have to answer questions in the future about DNA etc. I didn't want to see a report in TIME magazine about donor sperm, and wonder who was the biological donor?
If i was feeling all of this in those first few moments, what was he feeling?
"SUPER HERO SPERM"
That is what we like to call them. The little guys pulled through. We created embryos.....and they were good embryos! Each day that we would get a report from the lab, I would fall to my knees and pray to God that our cells would make it! In the end we had 5 blastocysts (term given to the embryos that make it to 5 days). And they were good blastocyts. And they were a part of me and Darren!
"OUR CHRISTMAS MIRACLE"
We defrosted 2 of our blastocysts and transferred them on December 13th, 2007. On December 23rd, 2007 I went for bloodwork nearly a week early.......and we received a true Christmas miracle..................
"FASTFORWARD"
It is June 26th and I am over 30 wks pregnant! Our little peanut is due August 31, 2008.
Throughout this whole process I have heard statistics and odds over and over again. Odds of implantation, miscarraige, downs syndrome, preterm labor, etc etc etc.
I will probably forget them in a few years, some I have forgotten already.
The one is will never forget is............Less than 1%
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